Vine vs. Branch: Day 27

"When we forget and start thinking that we are the vine instead of the branch, we get stressed out, because that was a role we were never created to play." -Shook

How often have I been stressed out and never really knew how to get out of it. I know that this year I have been dealing with a lot of anxiety. I have created a lot of this because of finances and stresses around finances. Mainly because I am not relying on the Vine but trying to be the Vine. This is not to say that I don't have a part in it, but I live under a lot of condemnation that I just can't get us out of debt.

But pruning me back so I can produce fruit is exactly what is happening. Having to live frugally and poor is forcing us to evaluated what we really need to not only survive, but to live abundantly. Abundance in American Society is linked to quantity and not quality. This book is following close on the hills of a more recent read by Shelly and I called "Radical:Taking back your faith from the American Dream". And the pruning is never ending.

I am fully aware that we are headed to a Kingdom Lifestyle where abundance is defined in quality. Quality time, quality possessions, quality family, and quality bills. Yes, bills. How many things am I paying for right now that if I could go back I would say, "Why? Why did I even spend the money in the first place?"

So here is my Lifework for Day 27 in our countdown:

1. What keeps you from connecting to the Vine as your primary source of spiritual life?
ME!!! And I don't mean Maine (abbreviated ME). "I am the Vine and the Branches" seems to be my issue first and foremost. I am totally stressed about me finances because (a) I try got us in a lot of this financial debt because I try to be the supplier of all my needs and live under a lot of condemnation that I just can't do it. (b) I am still trying to get us OUT of what I feel I got us INTO; still trying to be the Vine. God is pruning the crap out of me. I am realizing that I can do without (you fill in the blank) and I can only pay what I have. The rest is up to the Vine to produce for our abundance.


2. How is your present preparing you for a more fruitful season?
Now is the hard part. I am often worried about being fruitful. Meaning, I want to be there now. But I believe that learning to live satisfied is going to play a great part in where we are in five years (random number there). Meaning, I believe we will be out of debts and in the middle of what God has for us to be doing. That said, I am hoping that this season of really evaluating what we need verses what we want, what we have verses what we need to get rid of, who I am verses who I wish I was. This last one is a weird twist. I mean, i often see myself serving God and then get under condemnation for where I am at, which turns to anxiety, anger and frustration. I need to just get over it and live where I am at, knowing that one day this to shall pass.

3. How are you doing in the areas of communication and confession?
Honestly, I communicate with God a lot. I pray often. But I need to improve in the listening area. My conversations tend to be one sided. Stinks, but true. I need to listen more and read the Word more faithfully so I can hear what God has to say. This is hte hard part for me.

So, there you have it. I am NOT the Vine, I am a branch. I must learn to "abide" in him for my future and my present.

I'm busy? Day 28

Well, I really wanted to write the title of this entry as "I'm busy...Bull Sh@t. I'm not trying to be vulgar; it's just really what I feel. I kind of got a little depressed this morning thinking about all the things that I need to pay off, settle up, put in order and so on and so on. But Day 28 in the count down as I die to myself dealt with time management.

Anyone who knows me is well aware that organization skills and my picture are at opposite ends of the dictionary. And part of that organization deficit (a politically correct way to say it and make me not feel so poorly) is my inappropriate use of time.

So here is the results of my Lifework from the book One Month to Live:

1. I am suppose to keep a journal for a week to see how I used my time "wisely". I wish you could see the sarcastic smirk I have in my mind right now. But I will have to write the results of this after a week. So, BRB on this one.

2. Ok, so the second question was "What is the biggest time waster in your past week?". I laughed as I read this. Bare with my sarcasm. Although it wasn't the BIGGEST time waster this week I have to mention my new found obsession with Bejeweled Blitz on Facebook. And in my defense I can't say it was an honest waste of time. I mean, after all, I have achieved Badge 8 Gem Polisher and presently have 61,000+ coins in my Bejeweled bank. That is the only bank I have any coins accumulated in.

But in all seriousness, I waste a lot of time on anything that electrical. Perhaps I can just project all the guilt on Ben Franklin and Thomas Edison. If they had wasted more time on senseless entertainment then perhaps electricity and the light bulb would have remained a secret. But I know that it isn't healthy. I just waste time. Bottom line. Computers, TV, musical devices, etc. And what does it profit me? Depression, anxiety, tiredness, lack of productivity, a never-ending to-do list. As I reflect back to before I got married to Shelly and had kids, I remember not having a TV or cable. I saved money and time. I was productive. I went to bed earlier. I slept and was rested. I was thinner. I was closer to God. It doesn't mean that marriage was bad for my health. (Although that does sound funny.) It just means I let go of something precious rather than carrying that into my marriage and instilling a legacy of simplicity in my kids lives.

3. The third question asked if I felt like I was under a frozen tundra or in the spring of life. Well, well, well. Honestly I am frozen but I think a better analogy works for me. I am more like a frozen pork roast. (No fat jokes now.) I feel like God took me out of the freezer I have put myself in and has thrown me in the microwave. As most of you may know, microwaves thaw meat from the inside out. While I feel my outside circumstances have me trapped, I feel God breaking the ice from the inside out. It may take a while. Maybe even resetting the minutes a few times. But eventually I am going to be free again.

My goal this week is to evaluate my time and see if I can spend less time on the wasted time and more time on productivity. I want to redefine relaxation in my life. I want that to mean time with God, time with family, long walks, less couch time. I'll keep you updated.

Day 2 or Day 29?

As I am doing this book I am wandering if this is a count up to or a count down to. I would prefer to use a count down method. Because in 29 more days I am hoping that I take off into a new found adventure that changes the rest of my life.

So here is my Lifework for today:

If I knew that my life was ending in the next 29 days my biggest regret would be not doing something radical for God's Kingdom and leaving that legacy of extreme faith with my kids like my parents did. This would be due greatly to me KNOWING what God has called me to do and never really fulfilling it.

I am suffering from the Someday Syndrome in so many different areas that I can't describe them all. But the biggest for me personally is that someday I will finally do something for God in ministry.

If I was over the Someday Syndrome and my life was fully engaged I would look like.... let me think about this one.

Thirty Days to Live and Counting

Today Shelly and I have started reading a book together called One Monty To Live by Kerry and Chris Shook. I don't really have only 30 days to live (I hope), but the challenge of the book is to examine how I live my daily life and what are things I would do.

Here is my first Lifework assignment:
Name five things I'd change about my life immediately.
1. I'd take a walk every day just to pray and enjoy the sounds of nature and enjoy the silence of life.
2. I'd spend a week's vacation with my family and all my closest friends (a list I could make easily and short).
3. I'd visit New England one more time and go to Fenway to see the Red Sox play the Yankees.
4. I would spend an hour a day with each one of my immediate family members just laughing, crying, praying and sharing. I'd invest all the values of my relationship with Jesus into my kids (probably through a journal.
5. I'd move to Costa Rica or New England to die.
Today, I choose to do number one and number four.

The reason I picked this book up is that Shelly and I are going through a "vision cramp". We had real vision about church planting in New Hampshire. We closed the church reluctantly and miss every moment of it. But finances and circumstances really dictated the necessity to change. God released us at the time but now we are without any vision. Secondly, as much as we love the beach neither of us is enjoying living here. Mainly because we have NO burden to reach this area. We are just pulling time. We want to do something radical but, honestly, I don't have the guts to do it most days. I don't want to disappoint my parents for one thing. But if I must be honest, I would hate to die right now, where I'm at, doing nothing for the Kingdom and without a vision or purpose.

Since I am doing this with my wife I am hoping that she notices the change more than anyone. We both want to live out our faith radically and we want to do it soon.

I am going to keep this blog going daily. Feel free to read along and comment on my experience.

The Pure Life

This first blog entry is inspired out of my own midlife crisis. I am finding myself at 41 looking around, dazed and confused, about where I have been and, more importantly, where am I going. But today I got a weird spiritual intervention from God. Now, I just hope I can live out this Kingdom Life principal.

So, I am sitting in my office, listening to John Wimber teach on church planting, looking up a couple of different church groups and thinking where in God's name am I going and what am I doing? So, I stop John Wimber's teaching, lean back in my chair and say, "God, what do you want me to do?" Although, probably deep inside I meant, "God, what do you want from me?"

And this is going to sound weird and perhaps even cliche, but I looked over at the bookshelf in my school office (which happens to be a closet between two rooms and no window) and of the 50+ books on my shelf, I find myself focusing on Rick Warren's Purpose Driven Life. Now, I know most of you may have read it, but for me it came out right when I was going through a crisis. I read about three chapters and thought, "This is my life!" So, I stopped reading the book and just focused on what I was going through and reading my Bible.

But this time God was more specific to me. Specifically, I felt the Holy Spirit say to me "123-126". Call me a mystic, but I decided to read those exact pages. Guess what, 123 was the beginning of a chapter called What Matters Most. I could probably just leave a big ________________ here and you all could fill in what would seem to be the obvious. But since I went through that gut wrenching crisis a few years back and got extremely close to God in the process, I backslid.

There, I said it. I backslid.

No. I did not fall into deep sin and quit loving God (as if I have the power to not love LOVE). I just looked back for a while. The scary part for me though is that ringing verse. You know, the whole "putting your hand to the plow and then looking back makes you not fit for the Kingdom" thing. But my looking back isn't so much the wanting of the world, but the staring at the cares of this world.

The past few days, no, make that weeks, God has been messing up my comfort. Ironically, my comfort has been my excuses for being where I am at. I mean stressed and afraid. I must confess that "by my own strength I have failed."

So, what was the epifany that hit me in Warren's book? LOVE.

I don't know how often I heard Phil Strout say, Love God, Love People. It became the montra of his church in Lewiston, ME. And it stuck. So, if you read this Phil, thanks.

Rick makes three statements in these few pages. I will build off them.

1. Life without love is really worthless.

OUCH!!! Did Rick Warren just tell me I was living a worthless life? In essence, yes. If I am not living to love then I am probably not loving to live. Ironically, at 41, I have found myself obsessed that I only have about 40 more years left on this earth. And every ache and pain has me second guessing if I'll get that much. And why do I feel this way? I am not really living a life of love.

2. Love will last forever.

In this statement he goes on to talk about leaving a legacy of love. I think, if I am honest, I am really leaving a legacy of worry, anger and stress for my kids. So, what monsters am I creating? (My kids are great, but I have the power to screw them up. Sorry for the strong words, but true.)

And when I really think about it, isn't God Love? Love never fails, isn't selfish or ... you know the rest of 1 Cor 13. Yet, I am SO focused on "the cares of this world" that I am letting them choke the very life out of me.

3. We will be evaluated on our love.

"God, don't let me die today." Evaluations are never the greatest things to go through. But my Love Tank has been operating near the E and bordering on fumes.

The Westminster Confession says we were created to Love God and Enjoy Him Forever. Allow my to use a little creative liberty mixed with some logic.

God is love. If God is Love then Love is God. So, we could write the Westminster Confession like this:

Love Love and Enjoy Love Forever.

Now for all you squeaking religious types I am not having flashbacks from 1969 (although I like to joke that I ran around naked in 1969, but I was born in 1969). I am not referring to eros and phileo. I am referring to AGAPE.

So, here is my prayer:

"God, help me to love as you love for the first time again. I have gotten off target. Recenter me. Let me start by loving my wife better and with more submissive humility. Let me love me children better and not just fit them into my schedule. God, kill my business if it is in your way or in the way of loving like I should. Forgive me for not trusting your unfailing love and allowing the cares of this world to choke me. Help me to Love God and Love People. In Jesus Name. Amen!"